) tenderly, while making sure it’s kept as realisitic as possible with the drama of denial, religion, family members keeping shtum, marriage, violence and even throwing in a SSA (same-sex attraction) ‘healer ‘ into the mix.
‘Healing’ One’s Sexuality
Out and proud: Daayiee Abdullah, a Gay Muslim Imam (Priest).
Mainly through sheer laziness we would get in contact irregularly, but he was one of those friends where we could suddenly arrange to meet and it would seem like we had only met yesterday. One of those times was a couple of years ago, after my Mum, who had just turned 60, died unexpectedly.
He suddenly became more proactive in wanting to meet, suggesting things to do. A few weeks later, my Mum’s Dad also died. It was a great comfort to pray together, go to the cemetery, just hang-out. Although we had our differences, I thought we could see past that and finally have a full friendship.
It was great to spend time with each other over the next year. But then he stopped getting in contact and did not return my calls. A few months later I received a long email. It said he thought I was a great person, warm, loving, who hadn’t done anything wrong…but that our paths had changed to the point where he could no longer be friends. He regarded SSA as an addiction like gambling or drug abuse, and it was dangerous for him to hang around other addicts like me who were proud of it, and didn’t even see it as an addiction.
He was going to tell me around the time my Mum died, but thought it inappropriate to say anything then, and he only plucked up the courage to say it a year and a half later. But he wished me well at the end of the email anyhow, but that he would not respond to any contact from me ever again.
I was speechless for a while.
So when Syed in Eastenders met the same kind of SSA ‘therapist’, I was excited and nervous to see the conclusion. He talked openly and honestly about his sexuality, and the therapist went through a series of explanations and ways to deal with this, covering all angles from childhood to coping strategies. But ultimately…love won. In tears, Syed realised that, for him at least, this was all b******t. He realised that God made him the way he is, warts and all.
And that, actually, being gay wasn’t really a ‘wart’ at all. Perhaps taken for granted by most gay guys, I was over the moon that this was what Syed decided. Because, whether you are an atheist or believe in God, you are who you are, and loving someone can never be wrong.
It is completely unacceptable for someone to feel pressured in ‘coming out’, or to feel ostracised for choosing to keep one’s sexuality to oneself; unless potential damage is caused by being in a certain situation and choosing to not ‘come out’, it is no-one’s business to disclose such information but the individual’s.
However, ‘SSA healing’ is a different story. ‘SSA-healers’ can ultimately worsen the prejudice against members of the LGBT community. They can also be indirectly responsible for the murders of members of the LGBT community; I say this because as a mindset it can create a culture where being ‘queer’ is seen as wrong. If an individual decides to ‘cure’ him/herself, then it is that person’s choice, fair enough. But the problem with ‘SSA-healing’ is that in creating this environment, there is no acceptance that people can be born LGBT or that they don’t need to change…and therefore those that are homophobic – whether through incorrect religious quoting or otherwise – may use this as an example to justify killing LGBT people, if their reasoning is “You were’t born this way, you’re just refusing to accept that being LGBT is a mistake, just listen to what SSA-healers say”. If any of my friends never wanted anyone to know about their sexuality or indeed anything else, I would always honour that, no question. Likewise, I respect my friend’s choice to ‘treat’ his ‘disease’ by going to a ‘SSA healer’, and while I similarly honour his decision to keep this private, I can’t ever really buy this ‘I can be cured’ perspective if it damages the individual and those around him. Especially if it taught him to turn his back on what could have been a great friendship – did he take this advice from other friends? It hurt me to become more of a friend when I was in need and then end it, rather than stop it sooner, especially when I had always strived to give him 110% of my loyalty, energy and love in our friendship. But I guess then it was best for me too if he couldn’t reciprocate it.
I didn’t respond until a few months later. Namely to say I respected him for his courage, but that if he was being honest I therefore did not understand why he was proactive in wanting to meet up for so long, and that any effort on my part to meet up could not have fuelled this addiction when we never went to gay venues or particularly talked about sex, and I had been in a long-term stable relationship for 7 years, etc. And that especially knowing I came out to my family, and how it affected my Mum in particular, I was hurt that he suggested I would reveal something so deeply-impacting to my family for it to be merely an ‘addiction’. Lastly, I hoped that he was always honest to himself and others, because ultimately, Muslim or not, we should be true to ourselves.
So I sincerely hope my fellow Muslim, my fellow human, and indeed any one involved with ‘SSA-healing’, had watched / been aware of these Eastenders episodes and come to the same conclusion to accept himself, and others, as God made him/them.
Part 2 tomorrow!…
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February 14, 2011 at 12:58 am
Bill Drake
“‘SSA healers’ can….be indirectly responsible for the murders of members of the LGBT community.”
Really? Are sex-change surgeons thus indirectly responsible for the murders of the pre-op transgendered community?
There are other sources of information out there if you wish to look beyond Eastenders.
October 2, 2011 at 3:28 pm
philosofiez
Apologies for the delay in replying to your comment. I only noticed this recently and missed it when I was newer to this blogging site.
The video you share is controversial. But from a scientific point of view I respect and acknowledge the theories the speaker makes. It is a question that has been on my mind since a child, as it has for many others I’m sure. Why are some males gay?
I agree with the speaker that being gay COULD be more to do with ‘nurture’ and not ‘nature’. And that it COULD be to do with lack of contact with a father figure, or having a father who is emotionally cold. And again, it COULD be that boys who are more sensitive during pre-school / primary school years may – without they’re control – react to such factors by becoming gay.
BUT these are just theories. And while they may be true, they cannot speak for the many gay men who have had close contact with their fathers. Gay men who have always had loving fathers. Gay men who are not more sensitive than their straight counterparts. And gay men who may well be born gay and would always be gay, no matter what social and environmental factors they experience.
Therefore I think the speaker and others who hold the same opinion are wrong if postulating that gay men can never be born that way.
But playing devil’s advocate, even for those men who do become gay, then so what? Two adults who love each other, want to make each other happy and share their happiness with loved ones in their lives. It doesn’t matter what gender they are. In fact it’s no-one else’s business. It is only important for the individual concerned.
That is why, as I said in my blog, if someone chooses to not be gay / lesbian or wants to try and become straight, then their choice must be respected as it is their business.
If someone wants to change, then his / her loved ones must of course be there to provide support. But my point is, as much as it is an individual’s choice, the positive message that must be given to those who feel torn is that it is OK to be who you are. You do not HAVE to change. If someone truly wants to change, then I guess this is the role of a SSA healer. But from my personal experience, I don’t know of any SSA healers who do inform people coming to them for help that it is OK to be who you want to be, to not feel pressured to change, to be happy to be gay.
I mentioned that such a mind-set by SSA healers and others can indirectly be responsible for murders in the LGBT community. It is important for me to clarify such a strong statement, not wanting to appear misleading. It is interesting you try and use the analogy of sex-change surgeons therefore being responsible for murders in the pre-op transexual community. It’s a bit confusing as to what you mean. But transgenderism is a different case.
Being brief, it’s mainly because society has generally oppressed those who are attracted to the same gender, and in the same way society has generally oppressed those who feel their biological gender is different to what they identify with. In both cases people feel something strong within their heart that they want to live by, and society has historically been prejudiced against them. Society has generally seen only straight people and non-transgendered people as ‘acceptable’. But sex-change doctors help transgendered people against this prejudice if they are genuinely transgender; the problem is SSA healers do not seem to challenge this prejudice for those who are in need.
But gender identity and sexual orientation are two separate issues. The problem with the idea of SSA healing, as much as I respect an individual’s right to autonomy regarding his / her sexual orientation, is associated homophobia. I respect someone not understanding or agreeing with homosexuality, but to be prejudiced and hateful against someone for being gay is unacceptable. And many people in society, irrespective of political, social, religious or personal reasons, are homophobic. Homophobia is wrong, full stop. And many people gay people looking for solace within their families will be met with a brick wall by some who may use the idea of SSA healing as ‘proof’ that you cannot and should not be gay. Or perhaps force gay people to change. People have been killed for being LGBT. And some of those murderers will have used SSA healing to feel justified in their actions, in the same way people twist politics or religion for their own prejudiced beliefs. Do SSA healers actively challenge homophobia and realise when they might be encouraging it?
This is especially pertinent when a few weeks ago there was a website which catalogued the many people who were vocally anti-LGBT, only to be found out as actually gay themselves. Quite alarming when this includes many of those in governmental positions and religious preachers who have campaigned against gay rights issues. And particularly the author in the US who has founded anti-gay lobbies and been involved in groups promoting the ‘therapy’ of homosexuality, who in May 2010 was photographed returning from holiday with a 20 year-old male escort whom he claimed was just hired to carry his luggage.
I of course understand that some gay people are closeted and have demons to face upto, and people need time with this, but such lack of integrity for those who are in positions of responsibility, who influence important societal changes and who people look up to, is highly irresponsible.
Telegraph Article on gayhomophobes.com
So the main point is that SSA healers, with all respect, should challenge homophobia and recognise that LGBT people should not feel they have to change. Because the wider message that society as a whole, the whole world, should be giving is that it’s OK to love who you want.